I care for one woman deeply, which I’m annoyed by. It’s too late with her, she made it through the gates, and so I want to ensure that when I make it, she’s cared for.

I don’t know why. I love her, but it’s not entirely in a romantic way. I don’t care if she dates others if she’s not into me, so long as she’s safe and okay and close to me. I guess like an older sister? I’m an eldest sibling, so I wouldn’t understand what that relation feels like. Intimacy doesn’t matter, I want it to happen, but I don’t care if it doesn’t.

I don’t know. I struggle with the decision. She abandoned me, so I don’t want to care for her. Why should I care about someone who cares so less for me? But she said she cared for me, and cried about it. So then why did she stop texting me?

The healthy thing to do would be to move on, and to stop thinking and caring about her. But I can’t. You don’t understand, she was the only person in my life who was like that. An intensely lonely man, through spirit and body, finds someone who he could confide and love, only to have them gone, returning to the insanity now having had the taste.

When I judge her as I do others, I can definitely find faults. What made her different was her care.

And I’ll never have that again. I dream that since god gave me her, perhaps there’ll be another, but I’m losing hope. She’s a unique woman, and I messed it up. I’ll never forgive myself for it.

Perhaps there will be another, but I look back throughout my life, and I’ve never found that mix of fucked up, intelligent, and funny.

I keep thinking I’ll have her again. Somehow, if I succeed, I’ll have excuse to contact her again. But what if she isn’t interested? Where would I be?

To have my motivation driven by that isn’t healthy or maintainable. I struggle enough working trying not to be reminded of her. I mixed my motivations for work with her too much, and so it infects everything. Coming across music she listened to, coming across the region of europe she lives in, it’s pervasive, and I absolutely hate it.

I don’t want to be obsessive. I want to move on. I hate what’s happened, and I want to move on.

Perhaps I should. I should cut her out from my list of people I care for. Never think of her again, but I can’t.

The only way that could happen is if I actually get into a relationship, and find it again. But again, I’m quickly realizing that women are retards and most of them aren’t like her.

The only way to move on is to cut everything. Move on from everyone.

I want to take substances that make me stop thinking of her, but I’m not that stupid.

It comes down to that decision. Lym told me to cut her off, remind myself she’s dead to me. It hurts, and I care for her still.

I deleted her contact from discord, but she’s available through email and her phone number still. If I wanted, I could delete her email from the database, delete her number, delete everything. Cut her off for good. I have a picture of her I’d have to delete as well.

Another thing that haunted me was the temporality of it. She just left without an answer. I want to hate her for it, but I can’t. I understand it, and I’d be a hypocrite. But to understand it means I never meant much to her, which I have conflicting information on.

So I don’t know whether she’s hurt as well. She said she doesn’t care if I stop checking in on her.

Fuck her. God, I’ve never felt this conflicted over an issue before. I could kill a person easier than wonder.

I guess that’s my answer though: wonder. If I wanted closure, I’d text her when I succeed. If she doesn’t text back, then I’ll just continue conflicted as I would be. If she replies, then I can take it from there.

But I have mixed feelings still. Do I even want to text her? Want to remind myself of her, as I’m doing now. I should just date and move on.

Trust someone’s out there for me. Trust someone cares, like she did. Trust that they don’t leave.

I should cry and get over it. The emotion to care is so strong. Perhaps if I detach myself? No, it doesn’t work. It’s embedded, it’s me wanting this, not some subconscious process.

The biggest danger

The biggest danger from her is the haunting. I tried listening to one of her songs, and it digs into my mind.

But it’s the trust issues I’m gonna get from her. What’s the point if at many moment, they can just leave? Have something so intense and then they just fucking go? What’s the point?

And then you’re left with this giant hole in your heart. It makes it feel more safe to just date a felon or a drug addict, have children w/ them, and get easy custody of the children, because at least then I don’t feel loss like this.

I’m making it worse by thinking about it.

Hookers? I planned to lose my virginity with a hooker once I achieve my ideal body. I don’t know about it as much now. I wanted to start a romance with a hooker, as it would be the ultimate practice of charisma. It’s more autistic when I write it down.

I should be improving but i feel like I’m degenerating. It used to be work that kept me going.

The End?

I should end it. It feels hopeless. Call it a good run, realize that I’ve gone too far off the deep end.

Even if I make it, I don’t know if what I want in others will be there. She gave me dating advice before, but she’s a woman. Things are so different between women and men dating. She doesn’t realize most men aren’t up to par.

Feelings Everyone Had

These are feelings people had over an ex. Again, I don’t know what she was to me. I don’t care to label it. She was just close to me, and then she disappeared. They say you feel like you’ll never find someone like that.

Lym has a plan for me. I should return to her, she wants me to fix my life properly. Get a job, work my project on the side.

Honestly, I’d do better to listen to her than mope around like this.